The dilemma around beauty 💋
I just did something I never thought I would do.
I hired a professional photographer to take pictures of me. Actually, for the second time! 📸
Which is strange for someone who has a deeper aversion to mirrors than Dracula. I've spent my life looking away from anything with a reflection and hiding when anyone took out a camera.
And the hiding and not wanting to look at myself became so chronic that when the pandemic hit, and we all moved our lives onto Zoom, I had to hide the view of my video because it felt so foreign to me to see my own face.
A photoshoot is an intense form of therapy on so many levels.
It's incredibly healing to have a group of women fussing over me, doing my hair and makeup and making sure I feel like a princess. But it also forced me to look at myself on a screen and question why that makes me feel so intensely uncomfortable.
Between the journaling and a session with my therapist, I realized it all goes back to childhood. Then again, doesn't everything?
As women in today's society, we're brought up to have a pretty effed-up relationship with our bodies and the idea of beauty.
I remember being a tiny child when I first became aware that how you look was important, often above anything else. I remember the adult women around me having conversations about how beauty standards were a way to oppress women. Women were pressured to go to extraordinary lengths to look pretty for men, so it was shameful and anti-feminist to buy into it and care about the way you looked.
Of course, all these women did buy into it, with their 80s perms, pencil-thin eyebrows, everyday makeup, and shoulder pads, but I was too young to know that.
The message that stuck in my head was that caring about your appearance was wrong, a sign of vanity and a capital sin (thank you, Catholic upbringing, for all the shame!).
That's why it always baffled me when I saw people who enjoyed doing their hair in front of the mirror, having their picture taken or just enjoying their bodies and taking pride in their appearance.
How could they be so comfortable with something that felt so wrong to me?
And it wasn't just about how I saw myself; it felt just as shameful if anyone else took notice of me.
If someone pays me a compliment, says I look nice or takes notice of me in any way, it feels like I've done something wrong like I'm asking for attention, and that's not allowed.
That's why having my photos taken was so empowering.
For once, I could enjoy looking pretty, wearing nice clothes and having fun with the makeup, the hair, and the silly poses. I could enjoy experimenting with what my idea of beauty is, just for myself and my own joy, and simply have fun with it.
It's still a journey, and I still feel uncomfortable looking in the mirror or putting any care into my appearance most of the time.
But I'm slowly starting to break down all the ideas I have about beauty that were never mine, that caring about beauty is shallow and wrong and something to be ashamed of.
Instead, I'm finding a way to enjoy being in my own skin, and that's a gift.
Sending a massive hug to your beautiful self 💜
Paula
P.S. I still have to select my favourite photos (there are too many to choose from because my photographer, @christinaspoerer, is truly magic), but here's a sneak peek!
It was a branding shoot to reflect who I am, so of course, we had to take some napping photos (yes, I hit all the Spanish stereotypes and proud of it)! Also, there were sharks... And there's the beautiful group of women who cared for me all day like a queen.
How about you? Do you also feel shame around beauty, or do you have other hang-ups?
