When kindness feels so wrong...
If you know me, you know I've never been one to ask for anything.
I do genuinely love helping others; it brings me great joy to be able to do something to make another human being's life a little bit easier.
But I will never ask for help myself.
I don't know when I decided I had to do everything myself and shouldn't burden others with my problems, but I don't remember being any other way.
I was always puzzled when my friends would come crying to tell me that a boyfriend or a friend had let them down and how they were so hurt and disappointed.
Because the answer seemed obvious to me.
If you don't put yourself in situations where you expect something from someone, you'll never be let down.
It seems so simple, right?
Of course, with time (and lots of therapy!) I have understood how profoundly fucked up it is to live your life that way... but that's been pretty much all I've known.
I have had a couple of great friends over the years who have shown me glimpses of what it's like to be... well, normal, and actually let people in to support you.
Without me ever asking, as if it was the most natural thing in the world, they offered me their flats when I was in town, gave me their car keys, bought me food they remembered I liked to eat and made me feel special in a million ways.
The problem is that most people are not that effortlessly thoughtful.
Most people are happy to help you... but only when you ask for it.
And if you never ask for anything, more often than not, that's what you get.
Over the last few weeks, I've had a few moments that made me realise how incredibly uncomfortable it makes me feel when people are simply nice to me.
That's a heartbreaking realisation, but it is what it is.
This week I stopped for lunch in a cute old Portuguese town while I was on the road. I found a restaurant online that promised good food, but they didn't say how incredibly friendly and loving the staff were.
Now, I'm generally a smiley person, so people are usually friendly to me too. But this was another level.
They only had tables outside in the heat, which is fair enough when you travel in August and don't book.
Still, they came out every few minutes to apologise profusely, check how I was doing and if I liked the food (without knowing that as a recovering people pleaser, if I didn't like the food, I would take that secret to my grave!)
The owner, possibly the smiliest man I've met all year, came to chat with me, showing genuine interest in my life, and telling me how much he loved my home town, bordered by mountains and sea.
He insisted I try a shot of his dad's homemade cherry liqueur, at least to wet the lips, because "it's made with love." And when I was leaving, he went straight in to give me two kisses, wishing me a safe trip and good health as he hugged me tightly. And then he simply turned around and went to spread his joy to other people.
As I walked to my car, basking in so much genuine kindness and affection from a complete stranger, I burst out crying.
I was really shocked to see how foreign it felt to receive that level of kindness and consideration.
And it brought home how little I'm used to people just being nice without feeling that I have to do something in return.
When you're so out of the habit of accepting help or support from others, it almost feels unnatural when it does come your way.
But in the end, isn't that what life is all about? Opening our hearts to others and delighting in our shared humanity?
So I'm going to try.
🌸 Try to ask for help, even when I know I can probably do it myself.
🌸 Try to believe it when someone tells me something nice instead of questioning it.
🌸 Try to accept kindness from others with gratitude, without feeling I need to do something back.
🌸 And try to feel that I deserve to receive help, love, and support. Just like we all deserve, for no reason other than the fact that we're sharing a few trips round the sun together on this crazy blue planet and the ride is much easier when we walk each other home.
Sending you love, and I hope you let people love you today too.💜
Paula
P.S. If you're reading this and thinking, "wow, this girl is really screwed up!" rest assured, I am aware... but I'm working on it 😊