Confessions of a recovering people pleaser

I love Glennon Doyle and everything that comes out of her mouth (if you haven't already read her books, go pick one up!)

In Untamed, she said something that felt very true. But it also makes me feel tremendous shame.

She said: "I am a sensitive, introverted woman, which means that I love humanity but actual human beings are tricky for me. I love people but not in person. For example, I would die for you but not, like … meet you for coffee."

To be perfectly honest, I feel like that a lot of the time.

Well, if we’re being perfectly honest, I feel like that most of the time. And it makes me feel ashamed to admit it because I know that people I love will be reading this, and I don't want them to feel unloved or to stop reaching out to me when they need something.

But it's the truth.

I love pretty much every person on this planet. But I often find it difficult to be around them.

The reason for that is that I was born a people pleaser. Which I always thought just meant that I was a nice person, but it's a little more twisted than that.

As far back as I can remember, all I wanted to do was make people happy. But to the extent that I felt it was my only purpose in life. That it was my fault if someone wasn't happy and it meant I had failed my mission.

And not just the people in my family. I felt guilty about all the suffering taking place anywhere in the world.

That's a heavy load to bear. And it makes it difficult for me to be with people.

When I first moved into my own flat, I imagined my house as a place with an open door, where anyone could come and make themselves at home. And I did host some great dinners, poker nights, and collective siestas.

But the reality was that every time someone came around, it became a massive source of stress.

I felt guilty if I thought I might not have their exact favourite drink or if I didn't serve them the exact right food. I worried that I wouldn't be funny enough or entertaining enough. Was I talking too much or too little? When they left my home, did I detect a glimmer in their eye that made me think they weren't 110% happy?

The pressure is monumental.

Slowly, I started inviting fewer people over, making excuses if they wanted to come around and taking ridiculous amounts of time to recharge after any social interactions.

The problem is that I do find it exciting when I meet new people and hear their stories. And I have plenty of people in my life I love dearly and love to see and hug in person. So I try my best.

I'm very proud that I recently spent the weekend with a lovely friend who I adore and who showers me with love. It was an incredible plan to spend two days just on self-care and good chats, but I struggled the whole weekend.

Was she happy? Was she having fun? Did I snore at night, or was my breathing too loud? Should I be telling her more jokes, or should I be cutting back? Was this a comfortable silence, or was she bored out of her mind?

I did have a lot of fun, but at the same time, I was also stressed.

I find the two hard to reconcile, but it's my truth.

Some days I really want to get out there, meet every single person, talk about their deepest fears and desires and hug them for hours, but most of the time, I just want to sit in a cave and love the world from afar.

And in real people pleaser fashion, after being so proud that for nearly three months, I sent emails out every week without fail, I've hesitated to send this one out for over a month. I almost deleted my whole account simply because I couldn't stop thinking if a friend would see it and I made them feel bad, it would break my heart.

So if any of my friends read this, I'm sorry!

But I do love you, honestly. 💜

Paula

P.S. Last week, I did the most amount of socializing I've done for many, many years. I spent four days with my coach and some of my copywriting friends from the Copy Posse.

It was incredible fun, and I couldn't have asked for more supportive, kind, generous people... but it definitely brought up all my feelings of social awkwardness and not being enough.

I know we get all the lessons when we stretch past our comfort zone, so when I'm done processing and recharging, I'll write some more about that too!